


A Goat Walks Into the General Store

by MissLit



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Billy Goes on an Adventure, Fluff, Gen, Mild Spoilers, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 10:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18619195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissLit/pseuds/MissLit
Summary: Kirby is trying to find some uses for Ned’s strange new hire, but apparently sending him down to Leo Tarkesian’s isn’t the best idea.





	A Goat Walks Into the General Store

**Author's Note:**

> Critics rave:  
> “Do the McElroys even know what they’ve done?” -Friend  
> “This is the kind of content we need.” -Friend 2  
> “The Adventure what?” -Friend 3

Losing a certain linguistically challenged goatman had not been on Ned’s agenda that day. Then again, most things concerning monsters weren’t. He was just returning from a trip to the TV station; they had to plan out the schedule for Saturday Night Dead months in advance and he’d found himself in a meeting for most of the day. As usual he saw Kirby at his desk, sipping an RC and typing away. What he didn’t see was a Ryan Gosling-esque goatman he’d been tasked with keeping an eye on. 

“Uh… Friend Kirby? Have you seen Billy today?” he asked, trying not to sound worried. 

“I sent him to Mr. Tarkesian’s,” Kirby replied. “There wasn’t much for him to do around here anyway, it’s been kinda slow.” He didn’t even look up from his computer. 

Panic immediately gripped Ned. Billy was in town?  _ Alone _ ? 

Despite this he let out a jovial laugh, clapping a hand on Kirby’s shoulder. “You sent him to Leo’s, huh? What for?”

Kirby tilted his head back to get a look at his boss’s face. “Just some snacks, a few things for the shop. Your gross peeled grape exhibit needs some refreshing.” 

Ned had to think fast. If Duck found out he’d lost that goatman he’d be in for it. And Aubrey’s response would be even worse.

Seeming to notice his concern, Kirby quirked an eyebrow and said, “Seriously, he’s fine. I sent him with a list and some money, I’m sure Mr. Tarkesian will make sure he gets back okay,” 

“Even still,” Ned grumbled, heading for the door.

Kirby straightened. “Hey, where are you going?”

“To Leo’s!” 

The door jangled shut as Ned ran for his truck. 

\-----------

Billy was lost. At the very least he’d made it to the general store, though how he’d gotten there from the Cryptonomica alone was something of a miracle. But now he had to do something and he wasn’t quite sure what that was. He’d been hobbling around the store for so long that the man behind the counter was eyeing him every time he passed. 

It was then that he remembered that Kirby had given him a list. That would help him, hopefully. Billy pulled it from his pocket, looking it over. His eyes scanned right to left, left to right, up and down, down then up.

He couldn’t read.

“Duck,” he sighed. 

As though some powerful force was answering his little prayer, the front door opened with a jingle and he heard a familiar voice. 

“Hey there, Mr. Tarkesian, how ya doin?” 

It was Duck! Beside himself with excitement, Billy rushed toward the door. 

“Duck!” he cried. “Duck!” 

Leo Tarkesian from behind the counter had straightened and was looking at him with wide eyes. Duck looked just as surprised.

“Well hey there, Billy, what are you doing here?” Duck’s eyes scanned the aisles before he frowned at Billy again. “Is, uh… Ned with you?”

Billy looked thoughtful for a moment. Duck was sure Billy had no idea who he was referring to until a look of recognition crossed his face. However, he shook his head.

Duck let out a frustrated sigh. “Dammit, Ned,“ he grumbled, looking back out the door. Ned had been the one to volunteer to keep Billy at his place, why did he let him run off on his own? Duck turned his gaze back to Billy after a moment. “What are you doing here? Did you run away?” Billy quickly shook his head. “Did Ned send you?” Another shake. “... Kirby?” 

“Duck!” 

Another look crossed Billy’s face before he reached into the pocket of his jacket, handing over Kirby’s list. “Duck.”

“Mmm. So this is why you’re here.” Duck read the list over. So this was Kirby’s doing. Fair enough, he had no idea who or what Billy was after all. “Well, we might as well get you set up before I take you back to the Cryptonomica. Grab a basket, Billy.” 

Just what he wanted right after a long shift in the Monongahela; a babysitting job.

Billy scrambled for a moment before he picked up one of the shopping baskets beside the counter. Duck had one tucked into the crook of his arm as well. “Pizza?” Billy asked. 

“I don’t see pizza on your list, Billy,” Duck answered, taking another look. “Let’s grab the necessities first.”

The pair walked around the store, Duck showing him what each item on the list said and pointing out that the items usually had text on them to match. It definitely made it easier to explain. Eventually they reached the last item and Duck paused before putting it into the basket. 

“Billy? Did Kirby give you money by chance?”

Billy looked confused, so Duck reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. 

“Here. Money, Billy.” He opened it, showing off a few bills. “Do you have any money?” 

Recognition flashed over Billy’s face again and he reached into his pocket as well, pulling out a handful of bills. “Duck!”

Duck took it, counting them out. As he did he looked between the bills and the basket a few times. “Looks like you have just enough. Sorry, Billy, there’s not enough here for pizza.”  

Billy pouted. That childish look on Ryan Gosling’s face was kind of hilarious.

“But uh… I think I can spare a frozen pizza for you,” Duck offered, rubbing the back of his neck. 

As the pair made their way to the frozen section, Billy tugging excitedly on Duck’s arm chanting, “Pizza! Pizza!” the front door jingled again. 

“Hello there, Leo,” Ned’s booming voice greeted. “You didn’t happen to see a Ryan Gosling-type walk in here, did you?” 

At the sound of Ned’s voice, Billy perked up, turning toward him and peering at him over the shelves. “Duck!” he cried, waving to Ned. “Pizza!”

Ned let out a sigh of relief, rushing over. “Billy!”

“Ned,” Duck greeted, arms crossed over his chest.

“Friend Duck!” Ned said.

“Duck!” Billy added.

“Indeed. Thank you so much for keeping an eye on Billy while I ran to the car for my wallet,” Ned said, throwing an arm around Billy’s shoulder. “I felt so bad about leaving him alone, but it looks like he’s done an excellent job gathering our groceries, haven’t you Billy?”

Duck may not have been good at lying but he was becoming an expert at sussing out Ned’s tall tales. “Funny, I seem to recall coming in here to grab some groceries on my way home and seeing Billy all on his lonesome.” Ned opened his mouth to argue, but Duck added, “Fifteen minutes ago.”

After a pause, Ned said, “Well, let’s be honest here, Duck, I wasn’t even the one who sent him out.” This was Ned’s next tactic; deflecting. 

Duck nodded. “I know. Billy told me Kirby sent him.” 

“I’ll have a talk with Kirby once we return,” Ned sighed. “Of course, it is very difficult to explain our predicament without telling him the whole truth.” 

“We can’t take that chance, Ned,” Duck said. 

While they quietly argued, Billy made his way back up the aisles with his basket. He was eager to leave, he’d been in the store for quite a while and was feeling uncomfortable with Leo staring at him. Still, he’d seen a handful of people come in and grab a few items while he was wandering. He’d gotten the idea that in order to leave Leo had to look at his items first.

So, he walked over and set the basket on the counter.

Leo began taking items from the basket and ringing them up. “So your name’s Billy, huh?” he asked, setting the items in a paper bag as he went. “You a friend of Duck’s?”

“Duck,” Billy chirped. 

Pausing in his work, Leo looked Billy in the eye. He seemed to be searching for something, but whatever it was he didn’t find it. “Uh… Yeah,” he finally said, scanning the next item. “I haven’t seen you around here, have you been in town long?”

“Pizza.” 

“Mm,” Leo hummed in return. 

Ned from across the room finally noticed that Billy had wandered off again. His head whipped around and he looked above the aisles until his eyes landed on Leo and Billy chatting at the checkout counter. “Ohh, shit,” he cursed. 

Following Ned’s gaze, Duck shook his head. “Ned, don’t worry about it, Mr. Tarkesian’s cool.” Without explaining himself, Duck joined Billy at the counter, Ned soon behind. “Is Billy okay on cash?” 

Leo was counting out Billy’s wad of bills. “Looks like he’s got just enough.” He typed in the amount, the drawer popped open, and soon Leo handed Billy his change. When Billy looked down at the coins in confusion Leo pointed to them. “It’s more money. Just a different kind.” Though it didn’t seem like he fully understood, Billy tucked the coins in his pocket.

And began to leave.

“Billy, hold on,” Leo said. The goatman paused, cocking his head at Leo. “You need your bag, come here.” 

“Pizza,” Billy replied. He stepped over, taking the paper bag Leo handed over to him. 

As Leo moved on to Duck’s items, he gave his neighbor a look. 

“So yeah, Leo, this is… Billy,” Duck explained, awkwardly. “He’s a goatman and we kinda tamed him. Did I tell you about that? I think I forgot to mention it after the whole business with Minerva went down.” 

“Musta slipped your mind,” Leo answered. 

Before Leo could say anything else, Ned interjected. “Hold on. So it’s okay for you to tell people things,  _ Duck _ , but not for me?”

“You’ve got it wrong, Ned, I already knew about monsters and what-not,” Leo explained with a shrug. 

“It’s a long story, Ned, I’ll explain later,” Duck replied, handing his card to Leo. “Shouldn’t you get Billy home?” 

Billy had been awkwardly standing beside them, holding his groceries. Ladened with the bag he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to leave or not. 

Ned swore under his breath, stepping over to Billy. “Alright, Billy, let’s head back to the Cryptonomica and give Kirby his goodies. Say goodbye to Duck and Leo.” 

“Duck!” Billy bleated, then turned to Leo. “Pizza!” 

Duck tipped his hat a little while Leo gave a small wave. “Drive save, Ned. And Billy, you can come back any time.”

“Make sure he has a chaperone, Ned,” Duck sternly added. 

“But of course. Come along Billy!” 

His task complete, a new friend made, Billy seemed pleased as he hopped into Ned’s truck. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed my self indulgent piece about Billy going on an adventure to the grocery store. I love Billy and I just want him to be happy and I miss him so much.


End file.
